Being a Giver Doesn’t Mean Being a Pushover

Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of joining the New England chapter of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of India for a fantastic fireside chat with my friend and founding chair, Sanjay Aggarwal. Our conversation focused on “Connecting Different Dots” to help everyone shift their mindset from being resource constrained to being more open, generative, and abundant. Sanjay did a brilliant job facilitating the session, ensuring that participants had opportunities to ask their questions and get the content they needed most. One question seemed particularly important and timely after my recent post and podcast appearance on gifting.

When you’re working with multiple stakeholders, it can often feel like you're constantly giving and not receiving enough in return. How do you connect the dots between giving and receiving to ensure that the relationships you build are mutually beneficial and foster meaningful, collaborative results? Are there specific strategies you use to maintain this balance?

The person who asked this question was already showing up as a giver in so many of her business relationships and was starting to feel taken advantage of. Others in the room echoed a similar sentiment, and Sanjay reminded me that accountants are frequently seen as more of a “supporting role” and task completers rather than collaborators or innovators.

So how do you find that balance?

Listen to Your Gut

Gifting should feel good – both to the giver and the recipient. When you begin to feel like you’re doing heavy lifting without getting that good feeling for yourself, it’s time to take stock of the situation. There’s a difference between being a collaborator and working exclusively on behalf of someone else. If you reach this point, begin to come up with strategies for shifting the way you show up in that relationship. You have more control over your approach than you realize, even in a work environment where you have to navigate politics and power dynamics, and shifting doesn’t have to be a big or dramatic event. Your approach may not be obvious to others, but you can still establish your boundaries and protect your peace.

Change Your Mental Approach

I rarely take overt steps to change my relationship with a connection, like arguing or venting. There’s an adage that’s frequently misattributed to Buddha, but valuable just the same: holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Instead, I’ll find ways to quietly deflect someone’s requests for help if I’m feeling overloaded or used. I still show up as a kind and empathetic person, wanting to support another person’s goals and ideas, because that’s core to my identity. But being supportive doesn’t mean I need to be the one to do the work. I may use phrases like, “that’s so exciting and I wish I could help, but I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.” Or, “I don’t think I have the skills to help you with that, but maybe you could connect with someone else who can better help you.” If a connection feels one-sided and I’m the one constantly working to keep the relationship going, I’ll step back and stop making my intentional outreach. Sometimes, just putting a pause on your efforts is all you need to establish boundaries.

Beware of Energy Vampires and Focus on Learning

We’ve all encountered people who will suck everything they can out of you to get their own needs met. It’s easy to get caught up in the frustration, anger, or sadness of feeling used by a connection and question what you could have done to avoid that relationship dynamic. Try instead to focus on gratitude for what that person has taught you and incorporate those lessons into your ways of moving forward. Some energy vampires have helped me discover where my boundaries are and gifted me the ability to say no in more effective ways. 

Recognize When a Connection Falls Flat

I wrote a piece a few months ago about dealing with fractured relationships and shared an example of a connection that I thought was aligned, but turned out to be one-sided and manipulative. We need to remember that relationships will evolve over time, for better or for worse, and sometimes those changes don’t serve us anymore. It’s okay to let someone go and place boundaries to protect your time and energy. This is easier said than done and it can be hard not to take the breakdown personally. In some cases, you won’t know why things shifted or what caused the disconnection. But the result and your actions should be the same: recognize that this connection is no longer working for you and begin to step back.

Remember that “Bad” Relationships can Change

I’ve had my fair share of breaking points with connections where I thought there was no chance of rebuilding. And yet, I’ve been surprised to see how, over time, those connections can come back into my life in different and meaningful ways that work for both sides. Some relationships are beyond repair, and it’s okay to place those boundaries for yourself and let those people go. But don’t get stuck in a cycle of thinking that every rough spot in a relationship is permanent and remember that your boundaries can change over time just as much as the other person’s. What was once a challenge for you may now suddenly be an opportunity for your own growth and development.

Personal boundaries and self-awareness are crucial and will help you be a better giver. Remember that empathy isn’t just reserved for other people, and you need to be able to turn that mirror on yourself too. Being clearer about who you are and what you’re willing to give will allow you to show up more effectively – for yourself and others – and will make gifting feel less like work and more like a joyful part of your identity.

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If you want to work on developing your connecting skills, check out our open enrollment workshops or learn more about our individual and group coaching opportunities. Or send an email to hello@theconnectors.net to get a conversation started with me.