The True Power of Gifting

As we approach Thanksgiving in the US and all of the holidays celebrated globally in December and January, gifting is top of mind for many of us. Most of us think of gifts as physical presents that showcase our feelings for others. But that narrow concept of gifts leaves a huge part of your ability to contribute to someone else’s vision and goals on the table.

I recently joined the Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur podcast for an Action Saturday episode on the concept of gifting and how being a giver is one of the most important things you can do to shift your mindset and attract the right resources. You can listen to the 8-minute episode or just keep reading to learn more.

So, what is a gift and what do I mean by gifting?

A gift is something that you have in your possession – whether it’s a tangible thing, a skill, a relationship, or something else – that you willingly give to another person. A gift comes from a different place inside of you and is given with authentic and good intentions and without the expectation of anything in return, including public recognition or praise.

With gifting, the goal and focus are on the recipient, not the giver. So how does gifting make you a better connector?

Anyone trying to create something new or move an idea forward needs to engage others to help. But too often, we focus solely on what others have and ways to extract resources from those people to fill our own needs.

People need to feel good about you before they’ll be willing to help you. And cultivating that good feeling means that you need to shift your mindset from focusing on what you need to focusing on what you have to offer.

As Adam Grant shared in a 2020 NY Times article, studies show that givers are both more intelligent and better negotiators because they care as much about other people’s success as their own. They don’t see negotiations as a zero-sum game and understand that before someone can claim value, they need to create value.

So how can creating value for others come back and help you create value for yourself? Let’s use a recent example where showing up as a giver came back to me in an unexpected (and unintended) way:

I wanted to help a high school student connect to a prospective school, and realized a former colleague was working there. I would occasionally see this woman’s updates on LinkedIn and we had a great relationship when we worked together. I had supported her work and always made sure to ask if she needed anything. We lost touch when she changed jobs, but I decided to message her and hoped she would be willing to help.

I started by asking how she was doing and apologized for reaching out for a favor without getting time to catch up first. After that, I elaborated on my request and closed out my message by reconfirming how much I valued our connection and hoped we could catch up soon.

To my great delight, she replied immediately and said, “Hi Emily! So great to hear from you. As far as I'm concerned, you can drop in to ask me for a favor at ANY time, no matter how long it's been.” And, of course, she went above and beyond to help this student have a fantastic experience during her university visit.

Showing up as a giver will always foster a good feeling about you and people will remember that for years to come. Your gifts may or may not ever be returned, at least not from the person you gave them to, and that’s okay. Or, like the example above, your gift may come to you years later in a way you never expected.

So, this is great if you have an established relationship, but what if you’re trying to connect with someone you don’t know? Here are three steps for showing up as a giver even when you first meet someone:

1. Ask open-ended questions that encourage the person to share more about themselves. Too often, when we first meet someone, we ask questions that you could find answers to on a LinkedIn profile. But if we want to truly connect with someone, it helps to go a little deeper. Instead of asking someone what they studied in school to get the job they have, you could ask them what drew them to their career path. Even if you do want to find out what they studied in school, you can get to those types of questions once you have a connection established.

   
   

2. Listen carefully to what the person is saying. Pay attention not just to the words, but their tone and body language, and be careful not to project your own ideas or beliefs onto them. In our quest to understand people, we can take shortcuts and make presumptions of what the other person is saying. And, in our haste to want to seem engaged, we sometimes listen to respond rather than listen to learn. One way you can mitigate this is to ask clarifying questions or say things like, “so, if I understand you correctly, …” and recap your perspective on what they said to see if you got it right.

   
   

3. Focus on the resources you can offer right at that very moment. Frequently, we think that we need to “earn the right” to provide value – like having a certain amount of work or life experience. I’ve received just as many gifts from 16 year-olds as I have from 60 year-olds. Your insights, perspectives, and connections are enough, and everyone can be a worthy giver. Offering to help, even in a small way, will demonstrate your willingness to connect with people, not just pump them for contacts or resources. I typically try to think of someone I can connect that person to, but don’t always have the right people in my network. So, if that doesn’t work and I can’t think of any gifts I have to offer, then I’ll just ask – how can I be helpful to you in accomplishing your goals?

Whether you’re engaging with someone new or a long-time connection, stop and take stock of how you can help contribute to their goals and ideas. I promise you, what you give and receive in return will be far more impactful than something that fits in a box.

If you have questions or want help cultivating better connections to move your ideas forward, drop me a line at hello@theconnectors.net or sign up for a complimentary consultation on our Coaching page.