Some Connections Never Expire

Photo by Julie Sd on Unsplash

I spent last weekend at my 30^th college reunion and came home buzzing. Like most reunions, we had plenty of late night catch ups, old photos, and nostalgic stories, but what struck me was a common theme in our conversations. Nearly every person I talked to, whether it was someone I’d known for 30 years or someone I was meeting for the first time, expressed a longing for more connection in their life. Real, authentic connection with people who don’t expect you to be polished or pretend things are better than they are.

The gift of a shared foundation

There's something about the kinds of connection you make at a reunion, and it’s even more special when you’re a graduate of a small women’s college. Whether or not I knew people in my class, we were each shaped by our time at Wellesley during some of the most formative years of our lives. That shared experience gave us a foundation to jumpstart conversations without the need to build trust and create psychological safety. (Check out my recent post for more on the ways to build trust in community.) 

Coined by sociologists Ross Gittell and Avis Vidal, most of us in the social connection space call this Bonding Social Capital. Whether you are alums of the same college, root for the same sports team, or spend each weekend at your kid’s practice, there’s a bond over some shared experience that allows your brain to shortcut its need to determine whether someone is safe to talk to.

Having this shared experience allowed us to dive into deep conversations almost immediately. My fellow alumnae weren't interested in showcasing their highlights, they wanted to share their whole, authentic selves, including the struggles, the detours, the things that didn't work out the way they planned. Several classmates said some version of the same thing, “I feel like myself when I'm around all of you.”

That’s what true connection feels like, and sadly, it's rarer than it should be.

What happens when we stop tending to our connections

Some of the conversations that hit me hardest this weekend weren't about any of us. Many of my classmates are now caring for aging parents who all seem to fall into two camps: those who are still active in their communities and engaged in relationships outside the home, and those who have quietly withdrawn, choosing to limit their world to their immediate household.

The difference in each group’s quality of life is stark and unsurprising. Older parents who have stayed connected are healthier, happier, and more resilient. The ones who have withdrawn are struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally.

There’s countless research that backs up these anecdotal stories. A lack of social connection carries health risks equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness and isolation in older adults are associated with an additional $6.7 billion in Medicare costs annually. People are, quite literally, dying of disconnection at higher rates than most other health issues. (You can learn more about the research in one of my previous posts.)

And our issues of disconnection don’t just affect our physical or mental health; they’re impacting our community health too.

How connections can spark civic engagement

A story I keep sharing from this weekend is about a classmate I met for the first time. We serendipitously ended up sitting together at dinner and it turned into one of the best conversations that sparked support for each other’s work.

She’s been deeply concerned about the cracks forming in our democracy and felt that we no longer have communal spaces for civil dialogue. Feeling disconnected from her neighbors, she decided to take matters into her own hands and started a Saturday morning coffee meetup.

She picked a public space where people could get coffee (or not), posted flyers around town, put invitations in people’s mailboxes, and encouraged everyone to join her for a conversation. She gave people a clear sense of what to expect, which was just to show up ready to connect, and she made a commitment to be there every Saturday, no matter how many people chose to join her.

While her goal was to spark community engagement and connection, she didn’t dictate what these conversations should look like or cover. She gave everyone an open invitation and created space to allow the community to co-create this offering alongside her.

Not only did people start coming, but they started taking ownership of the group. Someone frequently brings donuts which encourages younger people to join, another made signs so passersby know what’s going on, and, most importantly, everyone shows up ready to be in conversation with their neighbors. Even while we were sitting at reunion on the opposite coast, her daughter sent photos to show that the Saturday morning coffee was going strong without her.

You don't have to wait for a reunion

There's likely someone you've been meaning to reach out to, but something has stopped you. Maybe it’s a friendship that’s drifted apart, not because anything went wrong, but life got busy and there just didn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Or maybe there’s a community you've been curious about, but you haven't shown up because you’re not sure how to open the door to new people. This weekend reminded me that you don’t need a reunion – or any specific reason – to forge new connections or reignite long-standing ones.

Which connections are you most grateful for and which ones are you overdue to reignite? Feel free to join the conversation on Substack or drop us a line at hello@theconnectors.net.